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Orthodox synagogue Anschei Tapuz has been struggling with the issue of mechitza for the past several months. Some wish the mechitza to be raised, while others advocate for the height to be kept just where it is. A compromise position has been reached: the floor will be lowered by six inches.

In response to members’ complaints over difficulties finding seats on Shabbat morning, a multi-shul, interdenominational task force was convened recently to explore this complex issue. One local Orthodox shul proposed that half the men leave the shul for Kiddush during the Torah reading while the second half leave during the rabbi’s sermon. Women in a second area Orthodox shul volunteered to come to shul only once a month, on a rotating basis, to ensure all women had a fair chance to get a good seat. It was agreed that no shul in any movement had to worry about children occupying seats, as they were generally seen running around in the hallway with lollipops in their mouths.

One Westport synagogue, particularly short on cash, suggested a creative way to eliminate the seating problem, while raising much needed funds for the synagogue. Starting on Purim, they will sell luxury boxes, equipped with phones, wireless internet, large screen TVs, private bathrooms and beverage service. For an additional $180 per month, members can opt for the TIVO Package, where sermons, Torah readings and president’s announcements can be TIVOed and viewed at another time or skipped over completely.

While New Haven has recently experienced a rise in the number of restaurants and bakeries offering kosher food to community residents, it is still impossible to get a good burger or steak and fries. Two area businessmen are taking matters into their own hands with the creation of the country’s first Kosher Hooters.

“Kosher Hooters of the Post Road,” as the establishment will be called, approached both the Owe You and the Stark K, who declined their kosher supervision services. A group of local rabbis, formerly known as the KINAHARA, will be offering hashgacha under a new name, the 36 Double K. The rabbis have agreed to let the wait staff continue wearing their hallmark orange shorts, but they have insisted that they put on sweat pants while playing the game of Coke and Pepsi at bar and bat mitzvah celebrations.

In another act of goodwill, “Passion of Christ” director, Mel Gibson has made a sizable donation to the Chabad of Hollywood. Gibson hopes the money, to be used for the building of both the Mel Gibson Chabad Center and the Gibson Family Center for Chabad Studies, will clear up the “little misunderstanding” he had with various members of the Jewish community. “I have chosen to give the money to Chabad since they really know what it’s like to experience the death of a messiah figure.”
In an unprecedented move, meant to show sensitivity to the local Muslim community, the JCC of Greater New Haven has announced plans to remain closed the entire month of Ramadan. “We know this may feel unfair to members of the Jewish community who were counting on working out in the gym during Ramadan. But we feel this would be unfair to our Muslim brethren, who will be fasting from sunrise to sundown each day.”

In a compromise move, a special JCC subcommittee is exploring the possibility of opening the gym only on Saturdays during the month of Ramadan.

Residents of Woodbridge, upset by plans to build high voltage power lines near several area synagogues, schools and the JCC, have withdrawn their objections. In a compromise move, the local power company has offered to build a state of the art computer center at the Ezra Academy, and has agreed to light all area sukkahs, ner tamids, and electric Chanukah menorahs free of charge, eternally.

Following the amazing success of the bar mitzvah showcase, the Jewish Ledger has announced plans for its First Annual Bris Show and Showcase. Mohels from all three denominations will be on hand to demonstrate their craft. There will also be a “Funniest Mohel in America Contest,” won last year by Guilford’s Rabbi Dick Hertz.

Sen. Joseph Lieberman, who was among the original pack of candidates vying for the Democratic presidential nomination, has announced his intention to re-enter the race.

“I believe this nation needs my leadership,” he said.

Adding to his campaign woes, he said, was his failure to participate in the Iowa caucuses.

“People criticized me for not entering the Iowa race,” he said. “I would have been in Iowa, but the caucuses were held the very same week as the New Haven Jewish Federation’s Super Sunday phonathons and I was obligated to take my turn at the phones. I had a choice between antagonizing one million mid-western WASPS or 25,000 Jews in New Haven. You decide. Still I feel a kinship with the good citizens of Iowa. People don’t know that when my beloved parents arrived in this country from Europe they fully intended to settle in Iowa. Unfortunately, somewhere around Passaic, my father got a cramp and they had to turn around.”

--Purim humor by Howard Blas and Judie Jacobson